Life rants

My last post was in 2023, and I didn't even have any posts in 2019. That just shows how long I've lost interest in writing and editing my blog. I wasn’t that good anyway haha. I can’t help but laugh (and cringe) at my older posts. I actually miss the old me. She was so silly and stupid, but also kind, full of goodwill, and always tried to bersangka baik.

I think I might have deleted some posts, but I have zero intention of doing that now. I actually thought I had set this blog to private, but when I searched for it last night, it was still publicly visible. 

It even took me a while to remember what I had named this blog. That’s how bad my memory is now, I’ve forgotten everything I used to enjoy. Only the bad memories remain. It makes me sad... even scared.

I never thought I’d reach the age I am now. I used to think Doomsday would come before I even sat for SPM. But then, I did sit for SPM. I thought maybe it would happen before I could graduate, but I actually made it through. Then I thought, maybe before I become an adult? And yet, here I am, exactly one year away from turning 30.

I’ve lived longer than I ever thought I would. It's kind of funny, because I remember how I was always reminded of Doomsday, and I genuinely believed it was always near. That’s when I realized how religious and well-intentioned my environment was. But it also left me with no real plan for the future.

Whenever people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was usually something I wished I could be if and only if I made it to heaven. I imagined I could be anything and everything there. Silly me haha.

Maybe it was never my expectation to go through adulthood, that's what makes the journey feel so unenjoyable. In fact, I’ve always wanted to escape it. But where could I go?

People had high expectations of me because I was always seen as a bright kid during my school days. I don’t really know how, but I somehow managed to maintain an excellent academic reputation. Even when I entered university, I was still doing fine. But the truth is... I couldn’t really see what I was working toward. I had no clear picture of the future, no real direction. I was always... confuse. But that's normal, bet everyone feeling the same. 

I think by the time you're in your late 20s, you're supposed to have found your rhythm like you know what you're doing, maybe you’ve settled down, gotten married, and are climbing the career ladder. Meanwhile, I’m still here… confused.

I have a job. It’s decent. But I don’t really enjoy it, and honestly, it drives me crazy most of the time because I don’t feel competent enough. That’s why I feel both grateful and miserable at the same time. I hate it but I don’t see anything else I could do.

I spent four years of blood, sweat, and tears on this field. I don’t want to waste all that. I’ve tried to improve at my job, but it never feels like enough.

I’ve thought about quitting a million times. But I can’t bear the thought of starting over again. That’s exactly what I did two years ago. I gave up a job, tried something new, and it went really badly. It took so much time and effort to get to where I am now. 

I pray all the time to be grateful and to truly accept everything I have. And honestly, I do feel like I’m grateful. But somehow, everything I feel seems to show the opposite.

Why am I like this? Didn’t I let go? Didn’t I accept my fate? Or am I just... not understanding myself at all?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too dumb to truly know what I feel. It’s confusing, and exhausting, to keep questioning myself like this. All I feel right now is an immense hatred toward myself. 

But to the future me, if you're reading this... I truly hope you've become someone better. I hope you've learned to value yourself, to be kinder to yourself, and to love who you are.

You deserve that. Even if I can’t feel it now, I want that for you.